7th this month. She weighed 8 lbs. It partially explains how much pain I was in. I didn't remember half of it: part pain and part medicated. Like the typical female, I have had my own imagination of what giving birth might be like. It was as scary as it sounded, if not worse. It was worse because some of it had been my own expectations and ideals, and the rest is that my life in entirety isn't how I want it to be. Besides my preconception and imagination vs. my reality is the pro's and con's of life overall. I have been observing a lot of things and one of the things I've observed in this instance is the idea of pregnancy and having a child itself. While there are so many things in life that vary in severity, and on the other hand, where some things are priceless, having a child is one major instance in life. Some people have miscarriages. Some people have planned for years to have a baby and have made many attempts. Some people either abort or give a child up for adoption..... There are just several routes where in some cases there is no control over how things work out when having a child. In my case, although she wasn't planned, I got lucky. My life as a whole isn't lucky at all in my eyes, but in having her, I do feel lucky.
Another con I have to really work on is the concept of ~faking it to make it.~ I know there are going to be a lot of moments that will not be easy or that I won't always know how to handle. I have to really brainstorm, organize, and strengthen myself to think of ways to live through life where I am now and how it is. It is like the worst has happened but life is not over and I continue to get challenged with violence, mind games, and obstacles that really make no sense.
I just hope mostly that my life will not continue to be damned in having a job or having anything else at all that I would want out of life to be damned.
I'm mostly satisfied with baby songs that I picked out, but I wish I would have found more songs to relate and match how I feel. They do for the most part, but I wish I could have found more.
I was so excited today when her first official card came in the mail today with her name on it. It will be awhile before I get the birth certificate and social security. I have yet to look up what happened to the newspaper. This is only the beginning of the second week of her life. I'm still in my own recovery from the birth and exhausted. There is so much ahead to brainstorm and figure out. Besides some tiredness and headaches, I'm so happy to have her in my life. I feel so lucky and she's such a blessing to me.
I may have more stories later or things to remember about the day and how it has been thus far, but I think I'm finished writing for now.
My little cuddle bug
